Question

Why does my husband belittle me in front of other people?

Everytime my husband and I go out with other people he always talks down to me and almost tries to make me look stupid. When I tell him about it, he says he doesn't do it and that I am basically exaggerating things. I know I am not crazy because I have talked to the other people that are there and they say he is very rude to me at times. I am tired of feeling like I can't be myself and just have a good time when we are out. He is fine for the most part at home and he is a great father but I feel like I am not getting the respect that I deserve. It is starting to affect our life at home because I am so frustrated and embarrassed by the way that I am treated around others. I don't feel that I deserve it and am unsure of where to go from here...

Answers

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You know I hate to say this, because it seems like you should be able to talk to your husband and work it out... But if you're really looking to solve the problem, here's my suggestion...

I think if these are people you know well, you should talk to them about it, and tell them that you have tried talking to him, but he doesn't think it's really a problem... Since they've told you that they do believe that he is being rude to you, it's time for them to say the same to him. Hopefully they're good enough friends where they'd be willing to go out on a limb for you like this. He needs to hear it from someone else.

As far as why your husband does this, I think that is an ego boost for him, if he can look like the man on top. Of course if he loves you, he shouldn't want to hurt you, but he probably doesn't even think he's hurting you. Since he believes that you are making something out of nothing, that's why you need somebody else who has observed his behavior to back up that what you're saying is true.

Once he can actually see that his behavior is problematic, and it's certainly not going to make him look better to these friends, I would think that he would stop doing it.

If he doesn't listen to you, and doesn't listen to friends, I think it's pretty hopeless.

#1

When he makes those comments, don't just sit back and take it. Stand up for yourself. If you do it assertively (not rudely), you maintain your dignity and he (hopefully) will catch on. Since you have discussed it in private and nothing has changed, call him on it immediately after the comment. That way it's still fresh in his memory and is a lot harder to deny saying it.

If he were to say, "that's the stupidest thing I have ever heard", simply say "I didn't think it was stupid at all. Besides I am entitled to my own opinion." Phrases like that are direct and to the point without being aggressive or argumentative.

#2

You know what. He's a bully. And a psychopath. And has major insecurities himself that he chooses to project onto you. You are not the problem here okay? And your gut feeling is saying you dont deserve to be treated this way. Spot on. You're right. Now start backing up your stand by letting him know you wont tolerate it. Bullies need to be stood up to whether they are husbands or not. I am hearing your frustration and tiredness so now it's time to DO something about it. You will need to let him know EVERY time he says something that is a putdown. You need to be determined and that is where it can be hard but in the end you know it will be for the best. If you dont do something now and you go on to have children, he will continue this terrible destructive behaviour towards them and they in turn will see it as acceptable as well so you gotta stop it in its tracks as soon as! You let him know (almost like letting a child know) that if he continues in that line of behaviour this is what you will do. Most people don't plan to fail, they fail to plan so you need to plan in your mind what you will do ie stop interacting with him, remove yourself, tell him you dont like to be around him when he is so hurtful to you, go hang out with positive, fun people. Don't be unsure of yourself. That is playing into his manipulative hands. He likes being in control because deep down he knows he really doesn't have any control over you unless you give it to him. Stick to your guns. You're definitely NOT stupid. You're NOT crazy. Too trusting perhaps and loving the fantasy of the everlasting happy homelife - stand up to him otherwise you will regret it years down the track!

#3

omggggggggggggg, thats awful, if my partner kept doing this after i had spoken to him i would of gone off my rocker. your husband is ment to love and respect you and when introducing you to his friends ect then he should be a proud man to do so

talk to him and tell him to think befor speaking because he makes you feel little

tell him you love him but would prefer if he could at least respect you

otherwise just dont go out with him and go out with your friends and hopefully he will soon realise

if he loves you that much he will realise what he is doing

good luck hun

#4

It seems like it might be habitual. Perhaps when you guys first got together you leaned on him a lot? He may not like to see you being independent because in the back of his mind he's your 'everything' and he's who you look up to. Perhaps he feels competition for whatever reason.

The best thing to do is to decide if its annoying enough to leave him. Everyone has a bad trait. You have to pick the bad trait you can live with. Also, assess yourself. Are you over-exaggerating? Is he joking? Is he joking but not realizing it's hurting your feelings and you're taking it seriously?

Don't try to belittle back. That's usually just fuel for the fire. I suggest counseling for you both. Even if its just one session.

#5

well den do sumtin bout it

#6

Call him out on it next time...keep doing that and eventually he'll get the message and stop.

#7

He doesn't respect you like he should. You should have a real deep talk with him about it. If he doesn't give you the respect you deserve then he'll eventually really push you away, and the two of you will divorce.

#8