Question

My husband always seems to choose his family over me.... Why?

So ive been married now for almost 5 years... We have been through it. Most of our major issues ultimatley lead back to his family. Honestly they drive me coocoo... First of all his mother always has something to say. I have 4 children and I would like the oppurtunity to be a mother without someone all in the mix. My mother in law has a damn tradition for everything. its like we cant do/plan anything without talking to her first. If you dont agree with her youre wrong and then she involves everyone else. Then everyone gets mad at you because she is crying (fake)... Its like being in a cult. But the worst of it is that my husband chooses her too. Thats what really makes me mad. I have no family here. I moved her 800 miles away from my closet family to be with him. 2 years into our marriage my husbands brother married a girl that my husband had a 4 year on again off again relationship with. Who does that? I think that is gross. So I made kinda a big deal out of it and everyone was made at me... I guess I should have just accepted it... I could go on and on and on... I have built up this resentment toward my husband. It makes me not attracted to him... We are just so far apart at this point. I dont know what to do. Life is too short to be this miserable. Ive tried to get him to move away with me but he wont... The worst is that he runs back and tells his mom everything... I mean everything and then she tells the rest of the family. Im just tired and I really want a divorce but we have 4 kids. What do I do in this unhappy situation?

Answer

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what does a divorce have to do with your children? Nothing. Staying in that relationship is bad for your children, and doing so will teach them that dysfunctional is normal. you are 50% of the marriage and you have every right to exclude your MNL from it. your husband seems to have forgotten that he is sleeping with you, NOt his mother. he sounds very codependent on his mother as do the rest of the family. you cant build on your own traditions if she is allowed to dictate what goes on under your own roof. bottom line, Give hubby the boot if he is not committed to you and the children FIRST and ALWAYS.

Nov 15 at 18:27

This is who your husband is, and this is who his family is.

You have only two choices:

1. Leave your husband.

2. Accept that this is how things are.

If you choose #2, you need to stop interpreting things in an inflammatory manner. You need to start looking for "why" they are the way they are, and develop compassion for them, substituting that for irritation.

Either that, or every time you start getting annoyed, just remind yourself that if you don't like it, there's always divorce. And that if you want to stay married, this is the price.

If you want to stay married, but have a hard time accepting, perhaps a cognitive-behavioral counsellor could help you find some cognitive self-statements to use in reframing the situation.

Everything has a price, dear. That's the reality of life. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and the only way marriages become happy is when both parties stop trying to change each other and learn how to accept how things actually are.

Do you know that being unhappy yourself is the best way to ensure that you screw up your children? They will grow up believing that life does not hold out a promise of happiness, because they didn't see any of it growing up. It's a form of "ghetto mentality", except the "ghetto" is an emotional ghetto. And you are bringing the up in one.

You are in the wrong, here, and just creating unhappiness for everyone ... mostly yourself, but also your husband, his family .. and your 4 innocent children who deserve a happy home life and happy parents.

Nov 15 at 22:13

Why? because he has his priorities flawed. My girlfriend (now divorced w 2kids) complained the same thing about her hubby. everything he did was for his momma, without considering how it affects his wife n kids. Its a very selfish and disrespectful man who will do this to his wife. Don't expect him to change esp. if he sees no problem with his behavior. You have to make the change whether it means walking out or shutting up, its up to you. Children recognize unhappiness in a home, they deserve a peaceful and secure environment to be raised in, if you two parents are not providing that well, something has to give.

Perhaps home is with his parents, I'd send him back to them.

Nov 16 at 2:22

did you not see this before marriage, i doubt someone like that was that good at hiding his true colors..

the boy is a mama's boy, always has been always will be.. not a thing you can expect leave and see if he follows.. be prepared though if he doesn't..

with the kids, just remember they are both yours and his, don't use them as weapons and don't make their lives miserable over something the adults can't fix..

with his brother.. who knows, maybe they liked her that much that they had to keep her in the family, who cares..

Nov 16 at 6:54

Counseling might help, I suggest taking your mom in-law, as well. Tell him you are having serious considerations in dumping his *** and see what he says, if he begs and pleads tell him couneling might help only if his mom is involved. But if you tell him point blank me or your mother and he chooses his mother, then divorce him, if not you will be miserable forever

Nov 16 at 11:49

why because he doesn't really value you or care about your feelings. if it were me i would divorce him and not have any more children by this man.

Nov 16 at 17:8

He really need to grow a pair! Be cut off from the tit and start being a man who is married and has kids. These young men make me sick sometimes

Nov 16 at 22:49

I highly suggest you get private counseling or marriage counseling and bring up this issue with the counselor. You need a professional 3rd party to help intervene here. And you can always fake cry to or discuss these issues when your MIL isnt around.

Nov 17 at 4:53