Do you like this plot?

Okay, so the two main characters are Charlie Green (she's a girl...) and Asher Gooding. There are two old families, both comprised of Kings, Queens, Inventors, Prodigies, and Dictators. The only issue? They kill each other... It's a kind of twisted rivalry kept from the world. Charlie is a member of the Dashkov branch and she runs away, switching her identity and appearance every few weeks and eventually she settles in Guatemala City and tries to get drafted by the other family, the Tarasovs. She runs into one of the best Tarasov fighters, Asher, and they go to Tarasov headquarters where they train and she finally tells him that she ran away and the Dashkovs are looking for her.. A few Dashkovs figure out where she is and come to get her, but Asher fights them away and gets shot saving her. She nurses him back to health and realizes she loves him... They leave Tarasov and run away, free of The Families forever.


It's pretty cliche. I'd also change the names of the characters. First of all, I would give the lead character a different name. A masculine name does not make a girl stronger. That's a sexist way of thinking. Sorry. There are plenty of strong women in the world with very frilly names (think Eleanor Roosevelt, Michelle Obama, and Amelia Earhardt - their names weren't/aren't Eric, Michael, and Adam). I'm not saying you need to name her Olivia or Emma, but think! Rachel, Cassie, and Lauren are perfectly fine names.

Asher is another. Ugh. It sounds very trendy and anime-esque. That's probably not the right word, but it's what I can think of right now (I need a nap). Again, names like Adam or Benjamin are good lead male names.

With stories involving star-crossed lovers, I do think names matter to some degree. Romeo and Juliet or Tony and Maria wouldn't be the same if they were named Romeo and Sam or Tony and Billie. Even stupid Edward and Bella have names fitting for Twilight (and I can't stand those books).


a bit too cliche




yeah preeeeetty cool! just revise some aspects:

firstly, the minute i open a book and see a girl called Charlie, i basically feel like closing it. why? Charlie is a name that is used all the time in chick-lit books for girls. I would seriously think about changing it (if you like)!

secondly, Asher is another commonly used name so maybe think about changing that too (?).

finally, the original idea of feuding families is brilliant and the way in which these families are made up (kings, queens, etc.) is really intriguing think about putting more emphasis on a hierarchy in the families-but later on, aspects like fighters and headquarters don't seem to be that realistic or believable. i know that's very vague but just try to change around some of these aspects, putting emphasis on different stuff. other aspects like them running away and their relationship are fine but you need to be careful when describing this sort of stuff so it doesn't become too like other books of its sort!

your plot is great btw...hope that helps=D


Cliché, much?