Question

Beginning of Chapter 1 of my book please read criticism welcome :)?

Hi this is the beginning of the book Im writing but Im not sure I like it. Is it me or do the paragraphs not really flow together, just wondering what you guys thoughts were? Like it or not? Anything I should change?

Me?

Working in a prison that's the last thing I imagined. I thought I'd grow up and be a doctor: someone that could actually help people. Ever since I was young I wanted to be able to make a difference in the world and try and help those that needed it and deserved it. But how do you know who deserves it? What if who you think deserves it doesn't match up to what other people think. Whos right and whos wrong? It basically comes down to is someone good or bad. See I've always had trouble telling the difference.

Decisions are what shape your life. I don't believe that some decisions are right and some are wrong, you make decisions and it can lead you down a good path or a bad path mine being the latter. However when I look back knowing the consequences if I had the choice would I have taken a different path I'm not entirely sure. Maybe if you could change other people's paths the world would be a better place. Mothers try and lead their children on the right path and if they stray they try and put them back however rebellion, temptation, curiosity and different paths crossing can make even the goodest of people take a wrong turn. Yes there are directions and signs showing you the way but can you really trust them, what if their trying to lead u astray? Wouldn't it be easier to just stick high fences along these paths? I used to think that what the law was, a high fence that only bad people would jump over but now... I see the law is an inch high fence where either good or bad people can walk straight over sometimes without even knowing.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I never used to either. What about soulmates? You know where your destined to be with someone and god made you purposely to be together. It's a nice thought isn't it. But what if your soulmate has fallen in love with someone else... What if the person your meant to be with takes a completely different path than you, or even a bad path? Do you follow them down this path, try to put them back on track, or take your own path and hope one day your paths will cross again.

It was 1963 when I first met Michael. I was young, free and some people may say foolish. I was 15 just started work as a trainee nurse at the local hospital. Working 10 hour shifts everyday of the week wasn't as fun as I expected. I was meant to be living my dream, helping people and making a difference in the world. But cleaning up after the fussy elderly and not getting even a hint of gratitude didn't make me feel I was making a difference. I was replaceable, if I wasn't cleaning up after the ungrateful old twerps then someone else would be. Maybe I wasn't as selfless as I first thought, maybe I only wanted to help people so I would get that rewarding feeling that I had done something good.

Answers

You are certainly right. The paragraphs don't flow. Now, each one could be a perfect start to the story, but not all strung together like that. My advice is choose a paragraph and then work on trying to incorporate just a little bit of the others into it, then follow it up with the last chapter and launch on into your story.

And also edit it a bit as far as grammar and such. Also... God should be capitalized when speaking of the Christian deity, since it's a proper noun- a given name. When you speak of just in general, like any god or such, then it's okay to not have it capitalized.

I hope this has helped a little bit! For more help, try posting somewhere like FictionPress.com and seeing what others say about your work. Just remember that if you do get accepted for your work to be published, it's generally a good idea to take the story down from the internet.

#1

You keep using a different style of "talking" while you write for example: "---"

1. I don't believe that some decisions are right and some are wrong, you make decisions and it can lead you down a good path or a bad path "mine being the latter".

2. Working 10 hour shifts everyday of the week wasn't as "fun" as I expected.

3.But cleaning up after the "fussy" elderly..."

4."...if I wasn't cleaning up after the ungrateful "old twerps" then someone else would be.

#2

Eh. Write the whole book before then edit a billion times THEN ask for critism

#3

You already know it's not good. Why ask us? Just write your story and then fix it in the rewrite like everybody else does.

#4

I like this beginning, especially the part about the "ungrateful old twerps". That made me laugh. I think that the first three paragraphs don't really go together, but the one about love at first sight and Michael work together nicely. Keep up the good work!

#5

It doesn't matter if the paragraphs flow - WRITE THE WHOLE BOOK! First drafts are meant to be first drafts. A great author I heard speak said - "You need to write crappy first drafts - give yourself permission."

You can clean up all kinds of problems in re-write. But if you stop after every chapter and wonder if you're doing ok then you'll never finish. Write the whole book and then you can go back and ask questions.

#6