Question

Is this a good poem so far?

Because of her, I saw heaven whenever I closed my eyes

I dreamt of us laying together side by side upon a plane of emerald pasture

Our bodies resting parallel to the fiery sun resting on the divan of the horizon

Its blazing heat only served as proof of its envy

As it gazed upon us from his lonesome kingdom of the sky

Time no longer was our invincible enemy

Whose deadly sword being the passage of age

Could neither pierce nor falter our shield of immortality

It was only I and her, living in our eternal sanctuary

Promised to all untainted souls

Through a covenant of printed words

In a lengthy biography about a person named mankind

Whose authors wrote of his great triumphs and downfalls

Who spoke both of olden days, and days to come, from original corruption to final salvation

From the fiery inferno which lingers on beneath us

Based upon the untimely death of one man whom society called a criminal

Whose pain and suffering upon a wooden beam for love

Opened the gates of paradise once again to humanity.

Answers

I, honestly, loved this poem. I normally expect poems on Answers to suck but... Yours surprised me. It's got a normal meter (besides a few lines where it actually adds an effect) and it uses allusions, symbols, and motifs. I think whoever the woman in it is should be flattered, I wish someone'd write a poem like that for me. It's beautiful. =) And I'm not one to say that about much.

#1

Hmmm sounds more like a story! Sorry but im honest!

#2

The beginning flows well and I think the language is eloquent. However from "Time no longer was our invincible enemy" on it seems a little bit forced. Just shifting the words around a little would definitely help.

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#3

I really like this !I understand what it is about completely , &I love how it is free verse. If you are telling a story in your poem, you may want a conclusion &not let the readers wonder. But other than that I think it is very good ! Do you think you can answer my question ? PLEASE !Thanks (;

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#4