Question

My husband seems to be putting his mom and dad over me or am I just being selfish?

2 months ago I began having major panic attacks several days in a row, I felt like I was losing my mind and honestly thought I might need to go into the hospital. I went to the doctor and she put me on an antidepressant and another medication so that I could finally sleep, it was like my body just couldn't shut off the adrenaline switch. Fast forward to now (2 months later) and I feel like I am trying to change the way I process stress, I jog 1.5 miles 6 days a week, read my bible and generally try to let the little things go. My husband and I recently found out my father-in-law has prostate cancer but from what the doctors have said they believe it will be as simple as removing the left testicle and that he will spend one night in the hospital. My husband has determined he will go down to california to help his mom and dad while I stay at home in washington state with our three kids ages 8,5 and 2. Now my husband seems totally checked out, he's on the phone several times a day with his mom and dad. My mother-in-law unloads all of her stresses (the cancer and other things like her aging mother etc) on my husband. My husband talks about how he needs to get down there to help her with the stress and take the weight of the world off her shoulders. I feel like I am totally being forgotten in the process. I am trying to help myself to not handle stress the way I used to and trying to be the best stay at home mom that I can to my kids but honestly I still feel stressed. My husband had seemed at one point that he would do anything to help me out more often, give me a 15 minute break to take a walk when he gets home from work and help with dinner, baths etc in the evenings. That only lasted maybe the first 2 weeks from the time I went to the doctors. Yesterday he commented on how worried he is about his mom and wants to be down there after the surgery to make sure his mom gets her walks in and doesn't feel stressed. I just about lost it! I hear him so often tell me how much he wants to help them and I feel like I am drowning in the meantime! I don't mean this to be selfish but I need MY husband to help ME right now. Am I just being selfish or is my husbands allegiance to his mom and dad?

Answers

I feel your pain and here is the solution. First of all, are your parents still living? If so, what do you feel is your responsibility towards them in the event that something similar happens to them? You need to really try to be more understanding here. Since you read your Bible, surely you know that the Bible admonishes children to care for their aging parents. It's a responsibility handed down directly from God to man. If your husband has other siblings, perhaps they could all get together and discuss the needs of his parents and evenly distribute the responsibilities. Next, I would strongly suggest that you put your 2 year old into Day Care and go to work. It will get you out of the house if only for a few hours a day and make you feel like a productive citizen. It will also keep you so busy you won't really have time to fret about all that's going on. Try one date night a week as well since you need your husband. His parents probably won't be living much longer so this saga won't be an ongoing thing for you to have to deal with. Stay calm, keep up what you're doing, either get a job or start socializing with others as a temporary way out of this situation. Peace!

#1

Hmm. You are having some difficulties because you still haven't "grown up" yet, and he's got the cancer (so is probably going to die)....how could he POSSIBLY imagine he needs his attention more than you do? What a mean fellow!

(Not to worry, if you keep this up he'll probably get tired of it and leave...problem solved!)

#2

your not being selfish, your being very reasonable and need to talk to him. He cares about his parents a lot and you know that, but you should come first, always. I bet his dad would do the same thing for his wife,

#3

it's a delicate balance, but yes, he should realize that his parents are there for each other and that he has his own family now. That being said, it is very difficult to be away from your aging parents. I have lived away from my parents for 21 years but my husband got to live near his parents the whole time until they passed away. Now that my parents are getting older, I do feel the need to go visit with them, but only for a few days. If he abandons you and his children for extended periods of time, he's making a mistake. Raising 3 kids is not easy and he needs to realize his place as husband and father. His parents probably would tell him the same thing because anyone in a long term marriage knows that you have to recognize priorities at all times.

#4

I do think you're being selfish. You're fairly young I'm assuming since your husband's mother's mother is still alive. You're having an anxiety issue, okay. I've had it my entire life. Your husband's dad is sick & he's concerned. When my husband's mom got ovarian cancer, everything stopped & that was fine by me. You're supposed to be his rock when he needs it. It's not always the husband that has to be strong for the wife, you know? And I'm sorry but you're a stay at home mom? And then when your husband gets home from work he still needs to help you with everything? Honestly, suck it up & move on. I can't believe you were pissed because he was concerned about his mother's state of mind. When you're older & god forbid your husband becomes ill, would you appreciate it if one of your children's spouse was not okay with taking care of you guys? Unbelievable actually.

#5

least hes not putting his friends over you, have a long talk like you just did here with him

#6